feeling the pits.

i dont know whether its the hormones or its the weather or its me or whatever but am seriously on the verge of breaking down. reading the slightest thing had almost pushed me closer to the edge. its driving me nuts. i hate feeling this way. i lose my sense of control. i cant think straight. in fact, i start thinking a gazillion things at one time and that, my friend, does not help.

sometimes i feel like running away but i know that is not right. i have certain obligations, responsibilities and people to answer to. im not a kid anymore. i cant just run and hide in the little tyke house until my mother comes looking for me during meal times. i cant hide behind the curtains until my siblings come up to me with a chocolate as a bribe.

but sometimes, i feel like i want to tell the world what im thinking, how im feeling. show them. let them know. but i know, most of the time, its better to just bottle them up when you know that even by telling them, they wont even take that into consideration. a look of dismissal puts me down but a laugh of dismissal humiliates me. i hate it. i hate it so much.

i know i have used the 'ive been through so much shit before...' line so much. yes, i might have overused it but i dont think its has past its expiry date yet. i dont think there's even an expiry date for it. i mean, so what if youre sick of it. i had to endure the pain. i had to sit through the shit. cried over it and almost went insane because of it. i dont think i want anyone to go through it- ever. i know its my family and friends that i have to thank for helping me through it. that, i will never deny.

but it is also that shit that had made me feel like i should just ignore or put a deaf ear on or blind my eyes or whatever metamaphor you use. entah. i want to believe that. a malas-tah-ku-ingau attitude is best. a i-dont-care attitude. but really, who am i kidding? i really dont care? i know i do. its just that at times, caring too much is useless cos when other people dont care, why should we? why should we put ourselves into such misery by caring when others- just dont care? why should we think of them, when they dont even think of us? not even for the tiniest moment.

urgh. this is driving me nuts. i know this is how i react to things. this is how i feel about things. i also know that other people react to things differently, they feel about things differently. we all cant be the same, can we? kalau sama, boring tia. inda tia ada fights. indatia ada bitching. and there will be no justification for being extremely pissed except when your hormones are raging. oh well. *shrugs*. i guess, its back to square one. you have to accept others as they are. so they have flaws. cry over it. shed some tears. accept that you cant change them. so what do you do? just stay away. by not listening, by not seeing, by not reading.... you wont hear, see or read anything that is going to tick you off.


....if you could not follow my train of thoughts, i'm not sorry. i told you i have gazillion things on my mind. i'm out of here...