a moment

Okay. I’m going to try and pen (type/ blog/whatever!) down my thoughts.

I think it’s almost that time of the month already. I’m getting very vulnerable- physically & emotionally. Parts of my body ache and I cry over little things. Was watching the NEWS earlier on and there was this thing on the first heart surgery in Brunei. I cried. That was when it clicked to me that it must be almost that time of the month again. Tsk.

Finished disc two of Sex & the City Season 2 this afternoon. I know I’ve said this to a couple of my friends before but seriously, I can’t help but relate myself to Carrie! Of course, I would love it if I was referring to her body, her clothes and her shopping habits. But I’m not. I’m referring to her bizarre love relationship with Mr. Big. There was a particular moment when I started questioning myself for the same reasons as she did.
Do I really love HIM or am I just addicted to the emotional pain inflicted on me? What is it that just make me can’t stop thinking of HIM? What is it that of HIM or the relationship we used to have that makes me secretly hoping that HE still loves me and that we might, even a tiny chance, get back together? Maybe it’s the time frame.
Apparently, it really takes you half the duration of the relationship to get over your ex. So, I went out with him for almost 6 years. Does that mean it’s going to take me 3 years to get over him? It has only been a year. So I have another 2 years to go before I can completely get HIM out of my system. But that brings another question. When should the getting over period start? Is it the moment HE told me HE was cheating on me? Or is it the day I last went out for whatever with HIM? Or is it the time when I received HIS last email? Or HIS last text? Or HIS last missed call? When should I start the getting over process? March 17th 2002? February 27th 2003? May 9th 2003? You tell me. Sigh. But whenever it is, it’s going to feel like ages.
Then, when does the healing process start? Is the healing process the same as the getting over thing? Or is it just similar but not quite? WHAT is the healing process? Is it when I start to have a good look of guys around me and appreciate what they have to offer (emotionally!)? Or is it when I stop comparing every guy I meet to HIM? So many questions. No answers.

I thought I was over HIM when I saw HIM out with her the day before they left Brunei. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel the hatred I used to have. I wasn’t even angry. I smiled and texted him, ‘Oits. Jalan sama girlfriend kah?’ Am not going to say what he replied but it was something very amusing. But then, things changed. I started to feel something again. It is just so bad that I cried every time I think of it. I got my dad to say yes to me studying for my masters in the UK but had problems getting my mum to say yes. But then, the British Education System got me first. They said I wasn’t eligible to a direct entry to their Masters Program.
And now, I have no choice but to apply to universities in Australia AGAIN. Narrowed my choices of states to New South Wales, Victoria and Queensland. Then narrowed it down again to just Victoria and Queensland. When I mentioned to my mum that I’m applying to a university in Queensland, this is what I got from her few days later- “Are you going back to Queensland, so you can be closer to HIM?’
How disturbing is that? It made me think. Is that really why I’m applying to Queensland? Are all the pros I’ve jotted down before just front excuses for me to be closer to HIM? I refuse to think of it that way. I even refuse to let it cross my mind that way. How could that even cross her mind? Sigh. Obviously I cried whilst trying to think of it. No use. Didn’t get anything out of it. Didn’t get anything sorted out.

That’s pretty much what’s been going on my mind. Had some other things too but don’t think I’m ready to blog it down yet. Maybe even never.

Thank god it rained or else I would have to go watch Mistik with the kids. And if I did, I will not sleep well tonight. And this will give me a chance to think of things more.

Good night now. Sleep well. Sweet dreams.